To vent or not to vent

Over the years I am definitely guilty of venting my anger to people, the Internet, to family/friends, basically to anyone within my immediate vicinity.  If I'm upset someone is sure to hear about it.  But lately I have (albeit - slowly) come to the realization that venting is incredibly unhealthy.

Instead of cooling off it actually feeds my anger and adds fuel to the fire.  Instead of calming down I find myself becoming increasingly more agitated leading to a terrible mindset and attitude.

After the birth of my first child in order to feel less alone and isolated I joined a ton of mommy groups via social media.  The mommy collective all over the world shares their expertise in everything from feeding to sleeping to changing to washing our brand new charges.  It's really quite helpful for first time moms who are both seriously sleep deprived and now have the pleasure of trying to keep a brand new life alive!  Eeks!  It's very scary and these groups are awesome!

However, I noticed a large number of women in these mommy groups all over social media also venting their frustrations with their MIL (mother-in-laws), SO (significant others) and of course DH (dear husbands)!  It's really no wonder why, stereotypically, mother-in-laws are "monsters" and husbands are "imbeciles".  I mean with such a "supportive" community out there, real or virtual, its really no wonder why the most important relationships in our lives are in such tatters.  

Now I'm not talking about seeking out the wisdom of close friends and older women who have gone before us and have sucessfully blazed the very same trails we are now currently traversing ourselves.  Life is hard and when things are looking down we need a few close friends to talk to who will help us, guide us and talk us down off that proverbial ledge.  That is actually healthy and helpful!  Afterall, why reinvent the wheel?  No man is an island and all that...

What I mean is taking to social media to blast the very existance of those whom we supposedly hold dear in our lives.  I'm talking about unloading a day's, a week's, amonth's worth of uncommunicated anger and resentment towards someone to an audience of mostly faceless strangers.  It's neither healthy or helpful.  In fact I'm convinced that it must have contributed to the demise of at least one relationship if not more.  You have a large group of women who only hear the one side of things, your side of things, which of course we'll paint fairly right?  With everyone chiming in with their two cents the only views that will catch your eye of course are the ones that you already agree with!  I mean if you're venting about a sink full of unwashed dishes obviously you're looking for women to tell you that your huband is lazy or good for nothing or a plethora of unconstructive and unhealthy things, leading you to feel rather justified in your own feelings about said husband.  All the while poor said husband is entirely unaware of the events which are transpiring right under his nose.  This anger and resentment eventually comming to a head and *boom* another one bites the dust.

In all my short temperedness I really praise God I never took to social media to vent and I pray that I will continue on this path.  Venting is not constructive and it's not helpful and I am so glad that I saw the light!  Communication is the key in any high stress situation and I would say being responsible for a brand new life definately qualifies as ahigh stress situation.  

I still have quite a temper and throw in high stress and it seems this temper has been amplified 10,000 fold.  I'm far from perfect but I'm really happy that I avoided a huge pitfall!

Now if I can only get my temper under control....

Motherhood and Life

It's been well over a year (one year 4 months and 3 days) since I welcomed speck into the world and I must admit that it still feels strange and foreign to me.  I'm a mom.  It sounds so bizarre.  I have a mom and now I am one?  Whoa!  There must have been some mistake.  How can I be entrusted with another person?  Their whole livelihood depends on me and that's a lot to digest and I haven't fully digested yet...I'm still chewing!

But time marches on and waits for no man (or woman) to digest.  Speck is saying, as we all did when we were children, "ready or not here I come!"  Many moms out there say the very same thing, "you're never ready to be a mom".  And it is so true...did I want a baby?  I sure did but, was I ready to be a mom?  I don't think so!  You might be thinking "that's pretty irresponsible of you!"  But let me explain.  It's like everything else in my life.  I read about it.  I prepared for it and then I braced myself for the eventuality of it...  It's kind of like when I was in school.  Every single test I ever took I felt super ill prepared. I was never "ready" but did I study?  I sure did but I never felt good going in and I never felt "ready".  And following this analogy, here I am taking the biggest test in my life!  Yikes!

I think it's just a part of my quirky weird personality.  Like I told V when we got married and we were headed back to our place, "I feel so shady!"  After the hustle and bustle of the wedding ceremony and celebration clearly I knew in my brain we were married, but I still felt like I was doing one shady thing!!  But now after 5 years of marriage I don't give it another thought.  So I guess I finished chewing that little nugget and it's been fully digested.

So, with being a mother I know I just need to get used to this change in station and try and do my best.  That's all anyone can ever do.  The rest is out of our hands.  I mean no one ever becomes a mom hoping to raise the next Hitler.  Heck!  Even Hitler's own mom never tried to raise a mass murderer.  We can only do our best and trust in God's divine plan.  This sounds so cliche but I'm not just handing out platitudes.  I speakith the truth.  It's easy for me to say right now because life is pretty awesome!  It's when life turns terrible that I hope I'll be saying the same thing.  I guess that's the reason for this post.  To remind myself (in the event that I find myself in a very dark scary place) of this very fact!

In many ways I know I have changed this past year and on the other hand I know I am still that snotty five year old brat still having fits when things don't go my way!  But I have a small fry that I want to teach to be better than me so that's plenty of incentive for me to become a better me.  I am already so blessed that speck is such an easy baby!  And in many ways I surprise myself with how much I love her! I am the most selfish person I know and I was afraid I would not love her above myself and it's weird to me but - I do!  

So many mothers say that their hearts burst with love the second they met their little ones.  But it was not like that for me.  When the dr plopped the little grey-blue naked baby on me fresh from the womb my first thought was, "whoa! That looks like a little alien!"  The whole experience was surreal.  It felt like it was happening to someone else.  Perhaps it could be partly due to the fact that I was so heavily medicated that the labor and delivery part of having a baby (something that I feared more than death itself) didn't feel like anything to me.  But that's not entirely it because long before the dr came to give me my epidural, the machine that I was attached to said I was having a ton of contractions and yet I didn't feel a thing!    I think in the end It's just how I process things.  I just need to sit with a thought for a bit before emotions develop and grow and bam!  Before I know it I'm in full on mama bear mode!  

Whatever the case may be I am so there now!  When I look at speck I feel so much love my heart really could burst!  I can't even look at anything related to children getting hurt or I'm just a mess!  A mess I tell ya!  I was reading the live action website this afternoon during specks nap about these quadruplets that were aborted at a planned parenthood.  The nurse present quit after what she witnessed.  The mom was in her second trimester and babies #2 and #3 came out together and had their arms wrapped around each other.  I couldn't even finish reading that article.  I was just bawling!  And thinking about speck and how scared she would be.  The womb should be the safest place in the world for a baby!  Fearing for their life by some outside foreign source should not be a factor!

Before I became a mother myself I thought similarly to everyone out there who is pro choice or pro abortion (or whatever you want to call it).  There are extenuating circumstances such as rape or if the mothers life is in danger that surely should warrant a woman's right to choose - or something.  But now after being a mom I see that there are no exceptions!  No one should have the right to choose to end the innocent life of another human being - regardless of their current stage of development.  If carrying a baby to full term is going to cost me my life then so be it...I would gladly give my life for speck to have a chance at her life!  And that's how it should be for every mother.  I am no more noble or less selfish than the next person.  In fact those who really know me know how incredibly selfish I am!  And I think it's pretty selfish of a woman to deny a baby their life just because it's a *insert excuse here*   

Now don't get me wrong if the baby was the result of rape I do feel for the woman.  She has been the victim of a horrible crime!!  Rape is the most horrific violation of another human being ever and the perp ought to be castrated and have no legal parental rights whatsoever over the baby!!  But that little baby didn't do anything wrong and it would be a travesty to try and right the wrong by committing another wrong and ending that brand new life growing inside of her.  Snuffing it out before it even got a chance.

Every baby I see now, I see specks little face.  Watching me.  Trusting me. Clinging to me.  Needing me to love her and protect her until she's big enough to fend for herself!  I can say with all honesty that I can't even understand why it's even an issue.  And the fact that it's such a hot button, controversial topic is because every single person out there deep down inside their soul knows very well what is being done - the systematic eradication of an entire gerneration.  The fact that it's such a difficult decision for a woman is because deep down inside their heart of hearts they know they are getting rid of an innocent life for their own reason.  It may be dressed up in a noble cause such as, "I don't have the money and I can't give this child a life that it deserves" or "I don't want to bring another child into this already messed up world."  And the list can go on!  But who are we to decide that for another person?    Looking at speck I don't think she cares whether she's living in a mansion or a shack, she just wants to be loved and feel safe and secure in my arms!  And really if this world is as messed up as you think then to follow that thought to its conclusion - a killer is just doing you and the rest of society a favor right?  The world so messed up they just want to relieve you of its misery.  WRONG!  So very wrong! If it's so messed up in your opinion then all the more reason to have children and raise them up right so that the next generation is not so messed up!

The biggest problem that underlies this whole abortion vs not abortion is that this world has stopped seeing children as a blessing and have started to view them as an incredibly huge burden.  And that is just plain sad.  I mean we were all, every single one of us, children at one point in time or another.  We were all once "someone's burden".  But that person saw you as a blessing and loved you enough to bring you into this world.  However apprehensive they might have been!

But these are just my two cents and I am so thankful for living in a country where I am allowed my two cents!

;)

Shenanigans in Taiwan - Part 1

Growing up my family never took family vacations.  We were a practical asian family and vacations were a frivolous luxury we could not afford.  We did however visit our family in Taiwan a few times within my own memory and there were even a few trips that were beyond the borders of my fleeting memory.

One of those forgotten trips was when I was one month old.  My mom was so home sick she packed her bags, packed up her two kids (including one month old me!!) And hopped on a plan homeward bound.  Travel in those days were quite free of all safety regulations.  My mom told me she was in the front row of coach so there was a bit of extra leg room.  She didn't actually purchase a seat for me; I wasn't even stored in a carrier.  She just brought me on board apparently planning to keep me in her lap for the entire 14 hr flight??  Well it worked out alright because she ended up spreading out my baby blanket on the floor in front of her and I slept there the entire flight.  No crying, no fussing or anything--much to the relief of the passengers seated next to my mom no doubt.  Occasionally my brother (then five) would join me on the floor and look at me or try to play with me.  But WOW I was such a great kid!

Thinking back, or rather calculating back-since I obviously don't remember these things, my mom was only 29 at the time--THREE YEARS (FIVE NOW since this post was started 2 years ago) younger than me right now!   No wonder she was home sick!  This was also back in the day when there was no such thing as the internet or computers (for the regular consumer anyways) much less email, Skype or Facebook that keeps everyone so connected all over the world these days.  Heck back then it was even a huge ordeal to place an over seas phone call - the connection sucked and it was uber expensive! 

Apparently, that was an action packed trip!  I had a 1 month celebration in taiwan that was stupendous! There was a fire at our house and my grandfather chose to save little old me, by bundling me up in my baby blanket and rushing out the door, before anyone else even gathered their wits about them!  Things definately could have turned out differently for me.  You hear the horror stories of babies being forgotten during a crisis and I was such a good sleeper I would have just drifted off as the smoke choked the life out of me.  

But it didn't and 34 years later here I am writting about it.  

Its funny how you don't worry about things when your little.  You just take each moment day by day and there's almost a trust in everything around you. Of course there are the exception where children grow up without a home or in terrible homes but I'm not speaking of those situations of course.  It's funny how it all goes away when we grow up.  It shouldn't but it does...

Phone Free

So yesterday as we were leaving for church I forgot my cellphone at home.  There was no epiphany or major life changing moment.  However, as my husband observed, I did survive the day without my cellphone being attached to my right hand.  Even though it was slightly inconvinient to not be able to call anyone or coordinate anything once I left my house it wasn't anything that couldn't be planned around.  I actually took my old afterchurch nap again instead of putzing around on the internet or flipping through my photo album while speck slept next to me.

That was definately refreshing!

I miss those lazy sunday afternoon naps!

Am I going to put down that phone and disconnect?  Probably not.  But perhaps I will think twice about picking up that phone going forward.

The thing I missed the most though? Not obsessively compulsively checking facebook that was sure...but it was the ability to capture the funny moments of speck anytime I wanted to!  But then again I was able to enjoy the moment without stressing about finding my phone and getting to the cute moments fast enough to catch it.  Nine times out of 10 these moments are so quick that by the time I'm ready with the camera the moment has already passed and I too have already missed it.

The one thing that I learned?  Sometimes I think I'm a little OCD.  Whenever I catch my phone flashing out of the corner of my eye I have to check whats making it flash and attend to it so that it no longer flashes.  Or those crazy red dots with numbers in them on each of our aps letting us know theres a new notification.  I always have to clear them.  I can't just leave it be.  Vs phone drives me crazy because there are so  many uncleared notifications!

Perhaps or perhaps not!

Time to wake the sleeping angel!

Facebook Envy

Lately, I've been seeing numerous articles out there stating that Facebook is making the population at large increasingly depressed.  Though this may be the case, this phenomenon is nothing new.  The only difference being, with the advent of the internet information can now be cast out to a wider and wider circle of influence.

The sharing of information dates back to the stone ages when people were literally writing on the walls!  Fast forward a few centuries and friends were communicating via written word with what we still use (if infrequently) today - its a thing called snail mail.  Remember that folks?  Back in the day mail took ages to be delivered.  The Austenian in me would like to say a fortnight!  There was no such thing as junk mail.  Oh will wonders never cease?  Soon after another invention (again that we still use today - more frequently - albeit much improved!) took the world by storm - the horseless carriage aka automobile aka car.  Mail delivery times were cut in half and with each improvement that delivery time was cut shorter and shorter until it could be delivered within a day or two.

In the mid ninties the information super highway revolutionized the way we communicate.  Instantaneously and in real time.  When I was little making an international call to my aunt and cousins in Taiwan was a big to do!  Now 2 decades later we can share information, pictures, news; within a split second.  

With faster and faster means of communication the worlds attention span seemed shrink!  Before you'd watch a 2-20 minutes skit on YouTube now it's the 10 seconds long snap chat.  Before you'd read a full blog post now it's a 140 character long tweet.  

We are so bombarded with the activities and goings ons of our friends on a daily, if not minute to minute basis that we've grown desensitized to this propensity to overshare!!  I admit having just just become a first time mom this past year after trying for 3 years and having had two miscarriages to boot I was very much overjoyed with my little speck and I could probably be a poster child for oversharers anonymous.  However we fail to realize all our proud moments which was once limited at most to an annual holiday letter enclosed with a christmas card can now be shared constantly in an almost live feed!  And with any action there is an equal and corresponding reaction.  Anytime day or night we can peer into a snapshot of the lives of our family and 2,848 of our nearest and dearest friends.  Because realistically who doesn't have over 2,000 friends in real life?  And the result?  Depression is in the rise.

But honestly we need to remember that all we are seeing is a snapshot of reality.  You know the old saying a little knowledge is dangerous?  Well the same applies to the snapshots we see on Facebook, Twitter and whatever new fangled social mediums are out there these days, because honestly I stopped keeping up after Twitter.  I'm not even sure how I caught wind of snap chat...

You might be a newlywed thinking "Gee!  That new baby that my old college roomates' best friend from high schools' little sisters' best friend just had is so darn cute why don't I have a baby yet?" Or you might be a recent college grad thinking "Golly my old highschool ap bio lab partner's best friend just landed a job at Pfizer" why am I still unemployed?  Or you may be thinking "Shucks!  My kid sisters friend's cousin's youngest sister/brother just got engaged.  Why can't I even find a boy/girlfriend?"  We're happy but deep down inside the evil green eyed monster is rearing its ugly head.  We aren't seeing that the hrs of pacing back and forth with a fussy new tyke or (a little closer to home) the years of trying and the disappointment, confusion and heartache of losing that small soul before we could even meet her face to face.  We're not seeing the 1000 resumes that our dear buddy sent out and the 200 failed interviews that they went on before landing a job at Pfizer.  And we are definitely not seeing that our buddy will be spending the rest of their life with a sinful imperfect human being with whom every major life decision will need to be shared with and discussed until both parties come to an agreement instead of doing whatever you'd like to do without a second thought to another human being beside yourself?

Not that having babies, landing a dream job and getting married are terrible things!  Far from it...they are amazing blessings from God!  In His wonderful and perfect time!  But social media's painting an incomplete picture.  We see the end result without seeing the trials and tribulations and the hard work and the sacrifices that are a part of this fallen world we live in.  We're just seeing a "happily ever after" without realizing that this life is not a fairy tale.  The story goes on...

But don't forget that there is a good author who has written all of our stories already and if we trust in His will, believe in His redemptive work at the cross, we know that all things will work for our good!  However hard, difficult, bitter, terrible, wonderful, amazing, beautiful and precious it may all seem right now.  And finally we know that our treasures lay not in this life but the next!

POE-POE

So like most asian kids I played the piano as a kid.  I actually did enjoy it at one point but, between the lame song choices that my piano teacher made and getting hit on the knuckles (really hard mind you!) for playing the wrong note, I quickly lost interest.  As a piano teacher the songs you choose for your students play a huge role in whether or not you will capture your students interest in the long run.  I remember when I got to play fun songs, that I actually recognized, I enjoyed playing and didn't mind practicing.  But those choices were few and far between.

The lady that taught me piano was some sort of family friend or relative or something so she was really doing my mom and grandma a favor by giving me lessons.  I'm not sure how much we paid her but it couldn't have been much as we didn't have much to give.  In fact it was my grandma who encouraged the lady to rap my knuckles whenever I hit a sour note, "the harder the better" she encouraged!!

So needless to say I had no say in the subject matters we studied for piano; I studied theory but didn't have formal testing, we had recitals but they were informal and held in peoples homes.  Although, that didn't make it any less terrifying in my little 5 year old mind.  They were JUST as terrifying as a formal affair possibly worse as the entire gathering was very catty and cliquish.  A bunch of middle aged wealthy women parading their daughters in a stupid home grown recital.  I hated recitals!

But my mom and Grandma wanted the best for me and wanted to give me the best opportunities available by any mean necessary.  For this reason they also, through my piano teacher's little sister, enrolled me into chinese school.  Apparently they just knew that China would be a huge economic force to be reckoned with in the future and knowing to read and write chinese on top of being able to converse in chinese would be a huge asset to have and so my brother and i were both enrolled in my piano teacher's kids sister's chinese school. 

Fun times.  My brother and I being the dumb kids that we were didn't utilize our time there at all!  I'm a born follower... so I naturally went where I was led.  My brother didn't apply himself neither would I. My brother didn't pay attention neither would I.  My brother didn't listen to the teacher neither would I.  So we weren't very good students, the teachers only put up with us since we knew the principal and she was an old family friend. I guess the shoe feel when we met this kid name d Poe poe...or was it Po po? Who knows? But with a name like that he was just asking to be picked on...and pick on him we did!  I think we even made him cry or something. I'm a little fuzzy on the details. Too young.  Needless to day we were not welcomed back to that school after that incident.  Go figure. So yeah apparently I've been kicked out of Chinese school.

Sad a delinquent before I even had memories.  It's funny what the mind remembers. Perhaps my brother can fill in the gaps where I can't recall.

Naturally mom was pissed, grandma was pissed and both were far from happy and declared that we would rue the day we didn't properly learn chinese.

Fast forward 20+years and I kinda do wish I paid a bit more attention and took a little more care to learn the language. It sure would help me in my latest obsession...CHINESE DRAMAS!!!

More Shenanigans - Blow Torch

I guess one of the symptoms of growing old is the tendency to reminisce, especially about ones own childhood.  Perhaps, its because we secretly wish we can turn back the hands of time.  Not necessarily because of any age old regrets of paths not taken, road not trodden upon but because life was just simpler in our salad days.  It's a shame that we never treasured those moments while we were living in those moments - we were in too much of a hurry to grow up!

It's funny how little kids tend to think they're so smart and yet grownup always seem to know what we were doing.  Apparently, at one point in our house there actually was a "no tv in the afternoons during the school year" rule.  I'm a little fuzzy on the actual rule and it's enforcement.  I do recall however, one instance where that rule was actually enforced. 

My brother and I were left home alone while my mom and grandma most likely went grocery shopping.  I can't be sure as my memories are a little patchy, I just know they weren't home.  So my brother and I took the opportunity to watch tv to our hearts content.  I can't even remember what was so good that we just had to watch.  Probably cartoons or some such non-sense of my brother's choice.  Back then we didn't have chinese supermarkets on every street corner so grocery shopping most likely entailed a trip to MPK or China Town.  We rarely shopped at the local Vons because those places were too expensive.  So shopping trips took upwards to a few hours.  

Being the nervous kid that I was around mid afternoon I would already be on the lookout for my mom's red car to pull around the corner of our little cul-de-sac always thinking that I heard a rumble.  Naturally, I would be the first to spot my mom and I'd let my brother know that "they're home!"  He'd snap off the TV and we'd run to our respective rooms and pull out our books as if we'd been studying/reading all afternoon.  Of course when they all got home we'd rush over to the garage and welcome them home as if nothing out of the ordinary happend.  Once the groceries were brought in and everything put away my grandmother would always just know that we'd been watching TV!  It wasn't until I grew up did I realize TVs got hot when on so all grandma did was feel the back of the TV to know whether or not it had been in use. Apparently my brother and I weren't as resourceful and bright as my mom an her siblings.  They used to cool the TV off with a fan before their parents got home - much smarter!  But somehow my grandma still knew what they were up to - creepy!

Eventually, we gave up watching TV and came up with more creative means to occupy our time.  One such afternoon my brother had a brilliant idea that we should make our own homemade blow torch!  My mom, a poor unfortunate victim of 80s fashion,  had tons of hair holding products one of which being the cheap Aquanet hairspray that came in aerosol canisters.  Back then every household with a women must have owned at least one can of that stuff.  This was a time before aerosol was deemed "bad" for the environment.

Anyhow, one can of Aquanet, one book of matches, and a bucket of water for safety later a blow torch was born.  It seems ridiculous now that we even thought of getting a bucket of water handy to be safe - but we did and of course we responsibly dropped all the used lit matches into the bucket of water so that there was no way the match would spontaneously re-ignite itself.  Because of course that was the most dangerous part of our little activity!  We even kept all the windows and doors tightly shut so that our neighbors would not smell what we were up to because of course if they neighbors found out they would tell our mom because that was the only way she would find out about our little scheme.  Needless to say when my mom and grandma got home they were furious.  I suppose in retrospect it's really amazing we managed NOT to burn the house down around us.  Good thing the insurance company never found out huh?

Honestly between the two of us - it was a pretty cool sight!