But time marches on and waits for no man (or woman) to digest. Speck is saying, as we all did when we were children, "ready or not here I come!" Many moms out there say the very same thing, "you're never ready to be a mom". And it is so true...did I want a baby? I sure did but, was I ready to be a mom? I don't think so! You might be thinking "that's pretty irresponsible of you!" But let me explain. It's like everything else in my life. I read about it. I prepared for it and then I braced myself for the eventuality of it... It's kind of like when I was in school. Every single test I ever took I felt super ill prepared. I was never "ready" but did I study? I sure did but I never felt good going in and I never felt "ready". And following this analogy, here I am taking the biggest test in my life! Yikes!
I think it's just a part of my quirky weird personality. Like I told V when we got married and we were headed back to our place, "I feel so shady!" After the hustle and bustle of the wedding ceremony and celebration clearly I knew in my brain we were married, but I still felt like I was doing one shady thing!! But now after 5 years of marriage I don't give it another thought. So I guess I finished chewing that little nugget and it's been fully digested.
So, with being a mother I know I just need to get used to this change in station and try and do my best. That's all anyone can ever do. The rest is out of our hands. I mean no one ever becomes a mom hoping to raise the next Hitler. Heck! Even Hitler's own mom never tried to raise a mass murderer. We can only do our best and trust in God's divine plan. This sounds so cliche but I'm not just handing out platitudes. I speakith the truth. It's easy for me to say right now because life is pretty awesome! It's when life turns terrible that I hope I'll be saying the same thing. I guess that's the reason for this post. To remind myself (in the event that I find myself in a very dark scary place) of this very fact!
In many ways I know I have changed this past year and on the other hand I know I am still that snotty five year old brat still having fits when things don't go my way! But I have a small fry that I want to teach to be better than me so that's plenty of incentive for me to become a better me. I am already so blessed that speck is such an easy baby! And in many ways I surprise myself with how much I love her! I am the most selfish person I know and I was afraid I would not love her above myself and it's weird to me but - I do!
So many mothers say that their hearts burst with love the second they met their little ones. But it was not like that for me. When the dr plopped the little grey-blue naked baby on me fresh from the womb my first thought was, "whoa! That looks like a little alien!" The whole experience was surreal. It felt like it was happening to someone else. Perhaps it could be partly due to the fact that I was so heavily medicated that the labor and delivery part of having a baby (something that I feared more than death itself) didn't feel like anything to me. But that's not entirely it because long before the dr came to give me my epidural, the machine that I was attached to said I was having a ton of contractions and yet I didn't feel a thing! I think in the end It's just how I process things. I just need to sit with a thought for a bit before emotions develop and grow and bam! Before I know it I'm in full on mama bear mode!
Whatever the case may be I am so there now! When I look at speck I feel so much love my heart really could burst! I can't even look at anything related to children getting hurt or I'm just a mess! A mess I tell ya! I was reading the live action website this afternoon during specks nap about these quadruplets that were aborted at a planned parenthood. The nurse present quit after what she witnessed. The mom was in her second trimester and babies #2 and #3 came out together and had their arms wrapped around each other. I couldn't even finish reading that article. I was just bawling! And thinking about speck and how scared she would be. The womb should be the safest place in the world for a baby! Fearing for their life by some outside foreign source should not be a factor!
Before I became a mother myself I thought similarly to everyone out there who is pro choice or pro abortion (or whatever you want to call it). There are extenuating circumstances such as rape or if the mothers life is in danger that surely should warrant a woman's right to choose - or something. But now after being a mom I see that there are no exceptions! No one should have the right to choose to end the innocent life of another human being - regardless of their current stage of development. If carrying a baby to full term is going to cost me my life then so be it...I would gladly give my life for speck to have a chance at her life! And that's how it should be for every mother. I am no more noble or less selfish than the next person. In fact those who really know me know how incredibly selfish I am! And I think it's pretty selfish of a woman to deny a baby their life just because it's a *insert excuse here*
Now don't get me wrong if the baby was the result of rape I do feel for the woman. She has been the victim of a horrible crime!! Rape is the most horrific violation of another human being ever and the perp ought to be castrated and have no legal parental rights whatsoever over the baby!! But that little baby didn't do anything wrong and it would be a travesty to try and right the wrong by committing another wrong and ending that brand new life growing inside of her. Snuffing it out before it even got a chance.
Every baby I see now, I see specks little face. Watching me. Trusting me. Clinging to me. Needing me to love her and protect her until she's big enough to fend for herself! I can say with all honesty that I can't even understand why it's even an issue. And the fact that it's such a hot button, controversial topic is because every single person out there deep down inside their soul knows very well what is being done - the systematic eradication of an entire gerneration. The fact that it's such a difficult decision for a woman is because deep down inside their heart of hearts they know they are getting rid of an innocent life for their own reason. It may be dressed up in a noble cause such as, "I don't have the money and I can't give this child a life that it deserves" or "I don't want to bring another child into this already messed up world." And the list can go on! But who are we to decide that for another person? Looking at speck I don't think she cares whether she's living in a mansion or a shack, she just wants to be loved and feel safe and secure in my arms! And really if this world is as messed up as you think then to follow that thought to its conclusion - a killer is just doing you and the rest of society a favor right? The world so messed up they just want to relieve you of its misery. WRONG! So very wrong! If it's so messed up in your opinion then all the more reason to have children and raise them up right so that the next generation is not so messed up!
The biggest problem that underlies this whole abortion vs not abortion is that this world has stopped seeing children as a blessing and have started to view them as an incredibly huge burden. And that is just plain sad. I mean we were all, every single one of us, children at one point in time or another. We were all once "someone's burden". But that person saw you as a blessing and loved you enough to bring you into this world. However apprehensive they might have been!
But these are just my two cents and I am so thankful for living in a country where I am allowed my two cents!
;)
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