I've always struggled with discontentment. I don't know whether or not anyone else struggles with it, although I suspect many do, but I can only say with certainty that it is something I wrestle with constantly.
I didn't have an unhappy childhood and I don't feel as if I've ever been deprived or ever had want for anything. In fact I had an AWESOME childhood! Sometimes I would look back at old family photos and wish I were that carefree kid again but alas, therein lies discontentment and it rears its ugly head.
Frankly whoever coined the phrase, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" knew his (or her!-this is after all and equal opportunity blog!) stuff and captured discontented sentiment exactly. Looking back over my childhood I can now see smatterings of discontentment speckled throughout my youth. I mentioned previously that I had an awesome childhood. Let me now elaborate on that bit of awesomeness! But first a bit of history...
My mom was never a good student and she hated school and did terribly. Schooling for her was drastically different than here in the good ole US of A. My mom was born and raised in Taiwan and if you don't know anything about the educational system there just know that your future is/was quite determined by a series of entrance exams. You had to be tested into your elementary school, you had to be tested into middle school, you had to be tested into high school and each and every single point along the way mattered. If you screwed up your elementary school test then it was impossible to get into the best middle schools and if you weren't in the best middle schools then you can kiss your chances of getting into a good high school and if you weren't attending the best high schools then college is definitely out of the question for you. Needless to say my mom never enjoyed that kind of pressure and wanted much differently for her kids. (Side note: Kudos to you for starting a scary new life in a scary new country mommy! There was a detour in Brazil where my brother was born but that will be a whole other post on a whole other day). Now the educational system in the US compared to the rigor of ASIA is, in all honesty, a bit of a JOKE in comparison. Kids could stand to be challenged just a teeny bit more but again that shall be a whole other post on a whole other day.
So back to my own awesome childhood. I was allowed to watch as much television as my little heart desired! And to a 5 year me old that's heaven on earth! Also, chores? What are those? In our house we didn't have any because we were students and our job was to "study". During the summer months my brother and I got into a whole bunch of crazy shenanigans which will definitely be immortalized for the world at large to read about in future posts. We stayed up late into the wee hours of the mornings up to no good and sometimes didn't end up sleeping until my mom was driving away to work. It was bliss I tell you! I didn't have a care in the world but even then wasn't content. I still wanted to hurry up and be a grown up. Being 5 years old was not good enough. I wanted to be older because being older was way better than being a kid.
Discontentment, it's quite a sneaky thing that one. You can be happy as a clam but still discontent. It can dress up and masquerade itself as "ambition" or "aspirations"or even "hopes & dreams" which are great and honorable things. But if you're not fully satisfied in the station in life which God our creator has placed you in then discontentment rears its ugly head once again. One can dream and one can aspire to greatness but the line is crossed when you think that your life will be better or more complete if and only if those dreams, those aspirations, those goals have come to fruition. God in His infinite wisdom has placed you where you are currently at in life because that's the best place for you, right here, right now.
When I was in school (K-12 school) I always thought I would be set if I could just get into a good college - I got into UCLA, but I wasn't all set. When I was graduating from college I thought I would be set if I could just get a job - I got a job, but I wasn't all set. When I was working for a few years I thought I would be set if only I could meet a good Godly man - I met a great Godly man, but I wasn't all set. When I was dating this Godly man for a few months (we've known each other longer than not known each other prior to dating!) I thought I would be set if only he would hurry up and propose - he proposed, but I wasn't all set. When we were married for a year I thought we're ready! I would be all set if we could just get pregnant, I'm literally backwards-situs inversus totalis w/ dextrocardia-and was worried I would never be able to conceive, - we conceived but I wasn't all set.
I have my hopes and dreams. But at least for now I'm not under the delusion that if and only if they come to pass will my life be full and complete. Because I'm constantly in awe at how completely God has provided for my life, even in ways that I've never even pondered. I'm sure I will still struggle with discontentment...but I know the battle can be won...because it's a battle I don't have to wage alone.
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